Jan's Journey
This blog is a document of my journey to grow as a Christian. I will be looking deeply into the 12 step program delivered by Alanon. I will be sharing intimately about my struggles and the solutions that God provides as He makes me and molds me into the image He wants me to become.
Answers to Questions of Step One study
Do I accept that I cannot control another person's behavior?
Yes, but it's not easy. The thought that comes to mind is when Jacob wrestles with God. I feel like I am wrestling with God, and how silly is that. Only God is in control, not me. So why do I continue to try to control another person? I am powerless! Lord help me to implant these new concepts into my mind. By learning and incorporating these, I am preventing hurts from coming.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I am trying to slow down and act not react. Realize that my awareness is the first step. Understand that training myself all people are different and will react differently.
How have I tried to change others in my life?
Telling them what I think. The direction think they should go. Let's say my free advice.
What were the consequences?
Well when it is unwanted, then the consequences become an argument based on defensive excuses etc. Hurtful things are said and then a regret at the end. An endless whirlwind that is in and out of the room before you can stop it. The aftermath of the tornado is damaged feelings.
What means have I used to get what I want and need?
Pouting
What might work better to get my needs met?
Dealing with the situation.
Yes, but it's not easy. The thought that comes to mind is when Jacob wrestles with God. I feel like I am wrestling with God, and how silly is that. Only God is in control, not me. So why do I continue to try to control another person? I am powerless! Lord help me to implant these new concepts into my mind. By learning and incorporating these, I am preventing hurts from coming.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I am trying to slow down and act not react. Realize that my awareness is the first step. Understand that training myself all people are different and will react differently.
How have I tried to change others in my life?
Telling them what I think. The direction think they should go. Let's say my free advice.
What were the consequences?
Well when it is unwanted, then the consequences become an argument based on defensive excuses etc. Hurtful things are said and then a regret at the end. An endless whirlwind that is in and out of the room before you can stop it. The aftermath of the tornado is damaged feelings.
What means have I used to get what I want and need?
Pouting
What might work better to get my needs met?
Dealing with the situation.
Summary of Step One from Paths to Recovery
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (people, places, things) - that our lives had become unmanageable.
The three C's describing our powerlessness over alcoholism: we didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. We begin to learn the basic Al-Anon premise of taking our focus off of the alcoholic and keeping the focus on ourselves.
We were trying to fix a disease - and someone else's disease at that!
To find peace and serenity in our lives we have to change - a challenging, and perhaps fearful, thought.
We may have to re-learn to take care of ourselves. We developed the habit of putting that other person's needs first.
We are trying to control the people and situations in our lives. It can be hard to conceive that our well-meaning efforts have been part of the problem. We have to admit that nothing we do or don't do can control another person's drinking.
We learn to accept the things we cannot change the alcoholic and change the things we can (ourselves). To recover we have to learn to keep the focus on ourselves.
By letting go of the illusion of control over other people, their actions and their addiction to alcohol, we find an enormous burden is lifted and we begin to discover the freedom and the power we do possess - the power to define and live our own lives.
When we try to control others, we lose the ability to manager our own lives.
There are things that we can't change. Accepting that I am powerless over alcohol puts an end to struggling. It frees me to work on things that can be changed. It means telling God, "I can't do it alone. I need Your help".
I am responsible for me. I am not responsible for antoehr person's happiness, nor are they responsible for mine. I know that no one else can control myemotions. No one can make me angry, sad, happy or anything else without me giving them permission to do so. My feelings are my own.
The three C's describing our powerlessness over alcoholism: we didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. We begin to learn the basic Al-Anon premise of taking our focus off of the alcoholic and keeping the focus on ourselves.
We were trying to fix a disease - and someone else's disease at that!
To find peace and serenity in our lives we have to change - a challenging, and perhaps fearful, thought.
We may have to re-learn to take care of ourselves. We developed the habit of putting that other person's needs first.
We are trying to control the people and situations in our lives. It can be hard to conceive that our well-meaning efforts have been part of the problem. We have to admit that nothing we do or don't do can control another person's drinking.
We learn to accept the things we cannot change the alcoholic and change the things we can (ourselves). To recover we have to learn to keep the focus on ourselves.
By letting go of the illusion of control over other people, their actions and their addiction to alcohol, we find an enormous burden is lifted and we begin to discover the freedom and the power we do possess - the power to define and live our own lives.
When we try to control others, we lose the ability to manager our own lives.
There are things that we can't change. Accepting that I am powerless over alcohol puts an end to struggling. It frees me to work on things that can be changed. It means telling God, "I can't do it alone. I need Your help".
I am responsible for me. I am not responsible for antoehr person's happiness, nor are they responsible for mine. I know that no one else can control myemotions. No one can make me angry, sad, happy or anything else without me giving them permission to do so. My feelings are my own.
Today another
Today another tear fell down my face,
I realized I can't do this without God's grace.
I fought the feelings that raged in me,
I didn't want anyone else to see.
Why is it when you hurt me the pain was so deep,
all I could do was sit and weep.
Love me for who I am that's all I ask,
for I can no longer wear this mask.
Your hold on me is tight,
why must you put up such a fight.
You say you love but why can't you see,
all I want is to be free.
For now I'm living a life for me,
free to be what I want to be.
I realized I can't do this without God's grace.
I fought the feelings that raged in me,
I didn't want anyone else to see.
Why is it when you hurt me the pain was so deep,
all I could do was sit and weep.
Love me for who I am that's all I ask,
for I can no longer wear this mask.
Your hold on me is tight,
why must you put up such a fight.
You say you love but why can't you see,
all I want is to be free.
For now I'm living a life for me,
free to be what I want to be.
Fix it Woman
There's an unspoken sign that looms over my head.
It says, "I'm the fix it woman" or at least that's what it said.
I'll come running to help you,
I'll do whatever you need me to.
I've got money, time, or sympathy .
Come to me....it's all free.
But only when they needed a fix did they come to me,
I started to realize this wasn't love and it was lonely.
It was then for the first time I saw the sign that lived over me.
And I thought is that really what they see?
I was their crutch to make it each day,
my heart was now broken what more can I say?
And then one day a friend whispered in my ear,
there's no reason to fear as he wiped away my tear.
He told me, "Life is much more than living for THEIR happiness."
I understand now, he was speaking of a life without distress.
Not long after that I began to discover,
there were others like me and that I could recover.
Each week we meet and there's a lot to say,
keeping eachother aware so we don't go back to our OLD way.
And as for me there's no sign that hangs over me.
For I finally understand what it means to be free to be me!!!
It says, "I'm the fix it woman" or at least that's what it said.
I'll come running to help you,
I'll do whatever you need me to.
I've got money, time, or sympathy .
Come to me....it's all free.
But only when they needed a fix did they come to me,
I started to realize this wasn't love and it was lonely.
It was then for the first time I saw the sign that lived over me.
And I thought is that really what they see?
I was their crutch to make it each day,
my heart was now broken what more can I say?
And then one day a friend whispered in my ear,
there's no reason to fear as he wiped away my tear.
He told me, "Life is much more than living for THEIR happiness."
I understand now, he was speaking of a life without distress.
Not long after that I began to discover,
there were others like me and that I could recover.
Each week we meet and there's a lot to say,
keeping eachother aware so we don't go back to our OLD way.
And as for me there's no sign that hangs over me.
For I finally understand what it means to be free to be me!!!
Green Eggs
Betty just called and she said she can't come to my dinner party.
Did I do something
Did I say something
I don't know
and starting today.
I don't care.
My daughter decided not to participate in the volunteer activity I planned.
Did I do something
Did I say something
I don't know
and starting today
I don't care.
Like the Cat in the Hat book
I do not
will not
eat green eggs and ham
I do not
will not
worry about this.
I did not
should not
worry about this
I will not
cannot
over analyzis this!
I'll give it to God and let go and let God.
I'm fine to be who I am.
To make decisions that are best for me.
Working, being, and doing for all.
Is not the person that I need to be.
So I rest in God's plan
and let Him be in charge.
He's the man who's got the plan.
No morry worry, no more fret.
Let go and let God cause He'll do the rest!
What a relief that box was heavy.
The worry and stress,
I didn't like to address.
Now I can live One day at a time.
With God in charge and I'm at rest.
Amen!
Did I do something
Did I say something
I don't know
and starting today.
I don't care.
My daughter decided not to participate in the volunteer activity I planned.
Did I do something
Did I say something
I don't know
and starting today
I don't care.
Like the Cat in the Hat book
I do not
will not
eat green eggs and ham
I do not
will not
worry about this.
I did not
should not
worry about this
I will not
cannot
over analyzis this!
I'll give it to God and let go and let God.
I'm fine to be who I am.
To make decisions that are best for me.
Working, being, and doing for all.
Is not the person that I need to be.
So I rest in God's plan
and let Him be in charge.
He's the man who's got the plan.
No morry worry, no more fret.
Let go and let God cause He'll do the rest!
What a relief that box was heavy.
The worry and stress,
I didn't like to address.
Now I can live One day at a time.
With God in charge and I'm at rest.
Amen!
waiting
I was waiting but now I'm living
I'm a master at waiting.
I wait for what everyone else wants to do.
I wait to see what mood they set.
I wait until they want to go.
I wait to see where they want to eat.
I'm a master at waiting.
I'm so good at it, because I have lots of practice at it.
Like many of us who wait for the alcoholic, I waited.
I waited to see if they were going to be happy or angry.
I waited to see if they would be able to go.
I waited to see where they wanted to eat because whatever I chose would not be what they choose.
BUT One day at a time.
I'm starting to do what I want to do.
I'm going to be where I want to be.
I'm going to go when I want to go.
I'm eating what I want to eat.
I'm becoming a master at living.
I wait for what everyone else wants to do.
I wait to see what mood they set.
I wait until they want to go.
I wait to see where they want to eat.
I'm a master at waiting.
I'm so good at it, because I have lots of practice at it.
Like many of us who wait for the alcoholic, I waited.
I waited to see if they were going to be happy or angry.
I waited to see if they would be able to go.
I waited to see where they wanted to eat because whatever I chose would not be what they choose.
BUT One day at a time.
I'm starting to do what I want to do.
I'm going to be where I want to be.
I'm going to go when I want to go.
I'm eating what I want to eat.
I'm becoming a master at living.
Changes brings freedom
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation;
old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."
2 Corinthians 5:17
As we trust in Christ with our lives, we will grow and CHANGE.
Old things will pass away and now finally become part of our past.
By turning to Christ daily for His guidance, we will change and devolp new ways of thinking.
We will transform into something beautiful. We will have the ability to fly away from the control of our past, into the peace of our new found freedom in Christ.
If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.
old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."
2 Corinthians 5:17
As we trust in Christ with our lives, we will grow and CHANGE.
Old things will pass away and now finally become part of our past.
By turning to Christ daily for His guidance, we will change and devolp new ways of thinking.
We will transform into something beautiful. We will have the ability to fly away from the control of our past, into the peace of our new found freedom in Christ.
If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.
Awareness
Awareness brings you closer.....
My eyes are slowly opening to the manipulation I have experienced and still do to this day.It's as if a light switch has been turned on as I see now so clearly how I WAIT and how I expect people to be mad at me, when I don't do what they expect me to do.
This has been raised since I started living more for myself. When I make decisions that are for myself instead of others, I am noticing in myself this twinge....of fear.
Will they be mad at me because I didn't do what they wanted? Will they still like me? Will they punish me? Will I pay for picking myself over them?
My biggest fear is that I will pay for it.....punishment or they will lay a guilt trip on me.
Ah so many questions and then I stop and say.....does it matter?
What they are doing is controlling me.
If they are making decisions about me, just because I did or didn't do something they wanted...then that's not fair to me. They aren't loving me just the way I am.
If I continue making my decisions about my life around them and what they want, then I am living for them and not myself.
That is control. That is manipulation. That is unfair to me.
So I grit my teeth and hold on for another day.
I look for another day of my own freedom.
Another day to make decisions for myself.
For what is best for me.
This is challenging for me, because I have devoted my life to what's best for them.
But wait.....Is that freedom I feel on the tips of my fingers? In the close proximity of me, is there a possibility of freedom from control? My hand reaches upward hoping to feel freedom from this chain that binds my sanity. But I don't think I am quite there yet. But that doesn't mean I can't stop reaching, I can't stop hoping, I can't stop trying. My awareness brings me to the half way point....for it is my awareness that enables me to begin changing.
Today, I will reach for freedom of pleasing others.
Today, I will hope that I can be more who I am and not what they want me to be.
Today, I will try to catch myself when I see that I am worrying about what they want instead of what's best for me.
Today, I will practice living one day at a time.
Lord, I ask for freedom of control of others. I pray that You will continue to show me each chain that binds me, and as You do, I pray that I will give them to You. I thank You for what You are going to do in my life. Amen
The old Rag doll
The old rag doll
When
I was growing up I had a rag doll that I kept on my bed. I always knew
where she was and I knew I could get to her whenever I wanted. I didn't
really play with her, I just kept her where I wanted her. When I did
decide to come around it was when I needed her. It could be anytime of
day or night. It was on my terms. She was always there for me. I was in
control of that rag doll and I knew it.
The only time I ever used that rag doll was when I was hurting. If my day hadn't worked out the way I wanted, if I was sad or if I felt alone I would go looking for that rag doll. I only wanted her when I wanted her. She had something that I needed.
Then I grew up.
As I look back, I realize all along my life I was that rag doll, for so many people in my life. Some were family, some were co workers, some were my friends and one was my ex husband, who had an addiction problem.
You see, I was always there waiting, for when they needed something. I always had the big pretty blue eyes and the painted smile on my face. I always had the heart stitched on my chest with the words I love you. No matter how they treated me, no matter when they wanted me, no matter how I felt. I was there waiting for them.
Have you ever felt like you were the old rag doll. Others in your life. Others whom you love very much, only come running to you when they are down. When things hadn't gone the way they wanted. They come because on your chest are the words stitched that say, I love you? When they want something?
When you've been affected by the disease of alcoholism, often times you are the person who is always there with the painted on smile. You are waiting there, used and then thrown aside on the floor. You are picked up and looked at only when they hurt, when they fall, when they want to be fixed. They seem to control you.
As you begin to put up boundaries and work the steps, those affected by the disease come to you less and less. At first it is confusing because your dysfunction seemed so normal. It seemed normal for people to mistreat you. And it may be that you experience a time of loneliness because those who used you so much will stop calling, because you aren't providing that fix for them anymore.
But as time goes by you begin to see that being used and thrown to the ground when someone is done with you, is not healthy for you. It's funny how something you've lived with your whole life can seem so healthy to you, it seems so normal.
By listening to my Al-Anon group share, I am able to hear others struggles and triumphs and realize that there are times that I still unknowingly hurt myself or put myself in unmanageable situations. Hoping and waiting to be loved by someone who isn't capable.
Keep your chin up my friend, one day there will be sanity for you. One day your smile won't be painted on any more.............it will be a real smile. One day you'll have the respect you deserve, because you will be living your life for you and not taking care of others.
It's going to happen.................. one day at a time.
The only time I ever used that rag doll was when I was hurting. If my day hadn't worked out the way I wanted, if I was sad or if I felt alone I would go looking for that rag doll. I only wanted her when I wanted her. She had something that I needed.
She provided unconditional love to me.
She
always had a smile on her face and she had big pretty blue eyes. She
even had a heart stitched on her chest and inside the heart it said, I
love you. Often times when I would hold her and cry, I would lift up
her dress and see on her chest where it said, I love you. It was my
reassurance that she really did love me. In my sea of loneliness as a
child, it felt so good to know that at least this old rag doll loved me.
Then I grew up.
As I look back, I realize all along my life I was that rag doll, for so many people in my life. Some were family, some were co workers, some were my friends and one was my ex husband, who had an addiction problem.
You see, I was always there waiting, for when they needed something. I always had the big pretty blue eyes and the painted smile on my face. I always had the heart stitched on my chest with the words I love you. No matter how they treated me, no matter when they wanted me, no matter how I felt. I was there waiting for them.
Have you ever felt like you were the old rag doll. Others in your life. Others whom you love very much, only come running to you when they are down. When things hadn't gone the way they wanted. They come because on your chest are the words stitched that say, I love you? When they want something?
When you've been affected by the disease of alcoholism, often times you are the person who is always there with the painted on smile. You are waiting there, used and then thrown aside on the floor. You are picked up and looked at only when they hurt, when they fall, when they want to be fixed. They seem to control you.
As you begin to put up boundaries and work the steps, those affected by the disease come to you less and less. At first it is confusing because your dysfunction seemed so normal. It seemed normal for people to mistreat you. And it may be that you experience a time of loneliness because those who used you so much will stop calling, because you aren't providing that fix for them anymore.
But as time goes by you begin to see that being used and thrown to the ground when someone is done with you, is not healthy for you. It's funny how something you've lived with your whole life can seem so healthy to you, it seems so normal.
By listening to my Al-Anon group share, I am able to hear others struggles and triumphs and realize that there are times that I still unknowingly hurt myself or put myself in unmanageable situations. Hoping and waiting to be loved by someone who isn't capable.
Keep your chin up my friend, one day there will be sanity for you. One day your smile won't be painted on any more.............it will be a real smile. One day you'll have the respect you deserve, because you will be living your life for you and not taking care of others.
It's going to happen.................. one day at a time.
The Sea
The sea
The alcoholic in my
family drank and drank and drank. The more they drank, the deeper it
got. Until finally they were in their own sea of alcohol.
Then one day, for whatever reason, they stepped out of their sea. When they stepped out of the sea, they shook themselves off, just like a dog does when he gets out of the water. When they shook themselves off, it got all over everyone else in the family.
We didn’t want it.
We didn’t choose it.
We couldn't control what was happening.
It just happen.
It left us with so many things. As the alcoholic shook off the sea we all just stood there and FROZE. It was like we couldn't move. We thought we had all been painted this bright annoying RED color, that EVERYONE could see.
It made us want to hide. It made us feel different. It made us ashamed. Then came the secrets. We didn't want anyone to think our family was different, so we separated ourselves. They call it isolation. We actually hid in our own home.
We were now locked in our house. So it was there that the sea grew higher and higher. As time went by the sea started to fill our house. It affected all of us more than anyone would admit. In our house, where we thought we were safe, we were now isolated. Locked in.
More time went by and it seemed to be getting deeper and deeper. We were now wading in the sea....it wasn't just on us it had become part of us. As time went on the wading became harder and we had to use our arms to stay a float. But no matter how much we tried to fix things....they didn't change....we had NO CONTROL over what was happening to us.
It was a HEAVY sea and it was getting harder and harder to survive in it. No matter what we did, it just kept getting higher and higher. We were treading the water and doing all we could to keep our heads OUT of the sea. We didn't know what else to do.
But then it happen.... We were now OVER our heads in it. We would come up for air when we could......but Life just kept getting harder and harder. We couldn't seem to get up for air as easy. We didn't know how to survive. We were affected whether we wanted to admit it or not.
We had no control. It hurt us. It made us hate. It made us sad. It made us become someone we didn't even know. We fought it and tried to change it. We tried to control it. But we couldn't. But there was one day when we realized. It was okay because we didn't have to own it. It wasn't ours to own. We finally figured out...these three very important things.
We didn't cause it. We didn't choose it. We couldn't cure it.
What is IT you ask? What is this sea made of?
It is alcoholism.
Then one day, for whatever reason, they stepped out of their sea. When they stepped out of the sea, they shook themselves off, just like a dog does when he gets out of the water. When they shook themselves off, it got all over everyone else in the family.
We didn’t want it.
We didn’t choose it.
We couldn't control what was happening.
It just happen.
It left us with so many things. As the alcoholic shook off the sea we all just stood there and FROZE. It was like we couldn't move. We thought we had all been painted this bright annoying RED color, that EVERYONE could see.
It made us want to hide. It made us feel different. It made us ashamed. Then came the secrets. We didn't want anyone to think our family was different, so we separated ourselves. They call it isolation. We actually hid in our own home.
We were now locked in our house. So it was there that the sea grew higher and higher. As time went by the sea started to fill our house. It affected all of us more than anyone would admit. In our house, where we thought we were safe, we were now isolated. Locked in.
More time went by and it seemed to be getting deeper and deeper. We were now wading in the sea....it wasn't just on us it had become part of us. As time went on the wading became harder and we had to use our arms to stay a float. But no matter how much we tried to fix things....they didn't change....we had NO CONTROL over what was happening to us.
It was a HEAVY sea and it was getting harder and harder to survive in it. No matter what we did, it just kept getting higher and higher. We were treading the water and doing all we could to keep our heads OUT of the sea. We didn't know what else to do.
But then it happen.... We were now OVER our heads in it. We would come up for air when we could......but Life just kept getting harder and harder. We couldn't seem to get up for air as easy. We didn't know how to survive. We were affected whether we wanted to admit it or not.
We had no control. It hurt us. It made us hate. It made us sad. It made us become someone we didn't even know. We fought it and tried to change it. We tried to control it. But we couldn't. But there was one day when we realized. It was okay because we didn't have to own it. It wasn't ours to own. We finally figured out...these three very important things.
We didn't cause it. We didn't choose it. We couldn't cure it.
What is IT you ask? What is this sea made of?
It is alcoholism.
the disease that affects so many .... what is it?
A dependence on alcohol......alcoholism.
This disease is composed of four symptoms:
Craving - there is a strong need/compulsion to drink.
Impaired control - unable to limit drinking
Physical dependence - withdrawl symptoms, including nausea, sweating, shaking, anxiety. This occurs when alcolol is stopped after a period of heavy drinking
Tolerance - need for more alcohol in order to feel the effect.
This disease is composed of four symptoms:
Craving - there is a strong need/compulsion to drink.
Impaired control - unable to limit drinking
Physical dependence - withdrawl symptoms, including nausea, sweating, shaking, anxiety. This occurs when alcolol is stopped after a period of heavy drinking
Tolerance - need for more alcohol in order to feel the effect.
