The old Rag doll
The old rag doll
When
I was growing up I had a rag doll that I kept on my bed. I always knew
where she was and I knew I could get to her whenever I wanted. I didn't
really play with her, I just kept her where I wanted her. When I did
decide to come around it was when I needed her. It could be anytime of
day or night. It was on my terms. She was always there for me. I was in
control of that rag doll and I knew it.
The only time I ever used that rag doll was when I was hurting. If my day hadn't worked out the way I wanted, if I was sad or if I felt alone I would go looking for that rag doll. I only wanted her when I wanted her. She had something that I needed.
Then I grew up.
As I look back, I realize all along my life I was that rag doll, for so many people in my life. Some were family, some were co workers, some were my friends and one was my ex husband, who had an addiction problem.
You see, I was always there waiting, for when they needed something. I always had the big pretty blue eyes and the painted smile on my face. I always had the heart stitched on my chest with the words I love you. No matter how they treated me, no matter when they wanted me, no matter how I felt. I was there waiting for them.
Have you ever felt like you were the old rag doll. Others in your life. Others whom you love very much, only come running to you when they are down. When things hadn't gone the way they wanted. They come because on your chest are the words stitched that say, I love you? When they want something?
When you've been affected by the disease of alcoholism, often times you are the person who is always there with the painted on smile. You are waiting there, used and then thrown aside on the floor. You are picked up and looked at only when they hurt, when they fall, when they want to be fixed. They seem to control you.
As you begin to put up boundaries and work the steps, those affected by the disease come to you less and less. At first it is confusing because your dysfunction seemed so normal. It seemed normal for people to mistreat you. And it may be that you experience a time of loneliness because those who used you so much will stop calling, because you aren't providing that fix for them anymore.
But as time goes by you begin to see that being used and thrown to the ground when someone is done with you, is not healthy for you. It's funny how something you've lived with your whole life can seem so healthy to you, it seems so normal.
By listening to my Al-Anon group share, I am able to hear others struggles and triumphs and realize that there are times that I still unknowingly hurt myself or put myself in unmanageable situations. Hoping and waiting to be loved by someone who isn't capable.
Keep your chin up my friend, one day there will be sanity for you. One day your smile won't be painted on any more.............it will be a real smile. One day you'll have the respect you deserve, because you will be living your life for you and not taking care of others.
It's going to happen.................. one day at a time.
The only time I ever used that rag doll was when I was hurting. If my day hadn't worked out the way I wanted, if I was sad or if I felt alone I would go looking for that rag doll. I only wanted her when I wanted her. She had something that I needed.
She provided unconditional love to me.
She
always had a smile on her face and she had big pretty blue eyes. She
even had a heart stitched on her chest and inside the heart it said, I
love you. Often times when I would hold her and cry, I would lift up
her dress and see on her chest where it said, I love you. It was my
reassurance that she really did love me. In my sea of loneliness as a
child, it felt so good to know that at least this old rag doll loved me.
Then I grew up.
As I look back, I realize all along my life I was that rag doll, for so many people in my life. Some were family, some were co workers, some were my friends and one was my ex husband, who had an addiction problem.
You see, I was always there waiting, for when they needed something. I always had the big pretty blue eyes and the painted smile on my face. I always had the heart stitched on my chest with the words I love you. No matter how they treated me, no matter when they wanted me, no matter how I felt. I was there waiting for them.
Have you ever felt like you were the old rag doll. Others in your life. Others whom you love very much, only come running to you when they are down. When things hadn't gone the way they wanted. They come because on your chest are the words stitched that say, I love you? When they want something?
When you've been affected by the disease of alcoholism, often times you are the person who is always there with the painted on smile. You are waiting there, used and then thrown aside on the floor. You are picked up and looked at only when they hurt, when they fall, when they want to be fixed. They seem to control you.
As you begin to put up boundaries and work the steps, those affected by the disease come to you less and less. At first it is confusing because your dysfunction seemed so normal. It seemed normal for people to mistreat you. And it may be that you experience a time of loneliness because those who used you so much will stop calling, because you aren't providing that fix for them anymore.
But as time goes by you begin to see that being used and thrown to the ground when someone is done with you, is not healthy for you. It's funny how something you've lived with your whole life can seem so healthy to you, it seems so normal.
By listening to my Al-Anon group share, I am able to hear others struggles and triumphs and realize that there are times that I still unknowingly hurt myself or put myself in unmanageable situations. Hoping and waiting to be loved by someone who isn't capable.
Keep your chin up my friend, one day there will be sanity for you. One day your smile won't be painted on any more.............it will be a real smile. One day you'll have the respect you deserve, because you will be living your life for you and not taking care of others.
It's going to happen.................. one day at a time.
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